Secret Affliction

Key To My Heart

Love is a Spiritual Force

What is love, what is love? I do not know some days. I try as I may be I can not seem to grasp the concept of love. I only feel it, know it, when I do not think of it, but my thoughts are hard to cease on racing days.

I knew a love, once upon a dream, and it felt magical indeed. The love I held was secret, sacred as if revealed it’d leave. I held it tight, fearing it’d leave like a feather in the wind, but it always remained in tact. The person that I held the love toward is the only one who left. I wonder, did they even know they held the key to my heart? Ah, what an affliction, a secret affliction, this secret about love caused.

December 22nd 2009
Wasn’t Meant To Be

You and I will never be
I know this now, now I see
That you and I weren’t meant to be

The days come and go
Oh, how I miss you so
You never show, now I’ll never know
What I meant to you

Wish I could go back to that beautiful night
The time we shared, how sweet it was
I was buzzing with love
I was flying high in the sky
Nothing could have brought me out of my high

But reality was soon realized
I never won the prize
I fell hard to the ground of realization
Knowing you and I were never meant to be

Oh, how I wanted to be set free
Free of the suffering, free of the pain
One blissful night was all it was
I’ll never catch that buzz again

If only it was meant to be
I wish I was set free

Maybe, just maybe, if I told this individual how I felt, I wouldn’t have held on to the pain. I feel this love became an affliction only because I did not voice to him: “I am in love with you”.

January 23rd 2011
I am In Love With You

I am in love with you
I won’t tell you this, though
No, I’ll never let you know
How I really feel about you
I don’t want to let myself feel that pain again
I know I could never be with you
You and I are a world apart, yet not
We are connected on some level, but that level is unexplained
I don’t want to walk down a dead end road

I’ll never tell you
That I am in love with you
Its not worth the pain
I’ll stay silent
And wont admit to you
That I am in love with you

What a fool I was, thinking that expression my feelings, expressing this strong emotion, that it’d cause me pain. I didn’t let go of my past when I wrote these words. I know now, if I spoke what was in my heart, the pain wouldn’t have held so strongly. What an unnecessary affliction I caused.

I use to fantasize about love, about my dream man, just to have a sense what love, intimacy with another, could bring. A story unfolded.

Fantastical Romance

I see a man in the distance
His presence is passive
He’s peering at me with an expressionless face
His eyes are dark, deep pools of wisdom – the wisdom only pain and suffering can bring
He walks slowly in my direction
I walk to meet him halfway, unconsciously as if I’m in a trance
We both stop in our tracks as we come a few feet between each other
I smile at him
He smiles back
His eyes reflect a twinkle of humor, hiding the painful wisdom he showed me
Our smiles say in silent speech “I found you”
(his thought) “You found me”
(mine) “I found you”
“You found me,” I whisper aloud.
“I found you,” he whispered back
We close the gap between us by simply holding hands
The energy between us is felt
Our worlds are forever changed by one touch of Love’s hand
Two hearts connect with one look of knowing: we are meant to be

What would I be without fantasy, without my imagination? I do not know most days. I feel my imagination has saved me many times in life, and has helped me find my way as well, in some ways at least. I know what I wrote above, and in journals from my past, that much of it is fantasy, stories yet to be published or may never be published, but they are all pieces of me. Maybe, in some way, they hold some truth about myself, if only symbolically. I still wonder, though, the man I see in my mind’s eye, if he’s real or make believe. Only time will tell, I suppose, as well as my feet moving forward on my path of life. One day I’ll know the truth… One day love won’t be an affliction.


(Pablo Neruda)

(Also posted in: Shadow Dance )

One day my love will be out of the shadows, and into the light, where it’ll shine bright, even in the night.

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