Sacred Words: Journal Entry 2

journalentries

“…I thought Gwyn coming back into my life I’d begin to have one.

Gwyn is my best friend I met online two years ago through a guy by the name of [Him]. I thought I loved [Him], we became close in the year and a half I knew him, but we drifted apart. He changed. I tried to keep him, but he fell back to his old ways. Back to drinking, locked in his own mind. He has moved on. So have I. We don’t talk anymore, but I still think of him. He is 9 years older than me, but I didn’t care. I never really LOVED him. I just liked to think I did. I knew he would leave, just like I knew in the back of my mind that Gwyn would leave as well. I just refused to admit to it.

[Him] came back in January. Our reunion was empty. He tried to pick up where we left off but it wasn’t the same. So we went our separate ways. I wonder if he thinks of me as I still think of him… oh well. I can’t look back. I have to move foreword, even though I am unsure how at the moment. I hope I figure out how to soon.”

Written: 12/22/2010

~

I have always been a lonely girl, locked inside myself, enjoying spending hours in my own head, in my own world. Due to this, I leaned on friendship that was not physical (meaning in person, it is easier to type/talk to a computer screen, than see someone face to face… judgment I never could take lightly). I yearned for love and friendship, and both I found online. I was foolish to think these relationships wouldn’t end, but I was always hopeful, even in the naïve sense. Through these 2 relationships ending, and it really did break my heart, because it made me realize I was living in a fantasy, and not in reality. It hurt me for over 2 years. I gained weight, even (though nothing extreme), and my mood swings happened more often. I was unhappy, because I wanted love, and friendship, yet I wouldn’t go out into the world to obtain the things I needed for my soul. I avoided myself, even though I yearned to know my self. I didn’t like my self, and I didn’t fully realize that at the time either. I searched for solutions Online, and I did gain some insight that I still hold today, and I learned a lot about the many forms of Spirituality due to my introverted, intuitive, nature. 2010 was a slow turn in my life, a turn to the light I was unconsciously searching for. It has been a long mental road. A road I have shared with only a select few, and only in glimpses.

I reconnected, once again with [Him] sometime in, briefly in early 2012 and briefly in late 2014. Both times he stated he still “loves” me, which for him is probably true. But each time I knew in my heart, I have moved on. He is the same as he always has been, but I feel he has things in his life to deal with that are out of my control, and I should not concern my self with. I do not mind being a friend to Him, but I don’t know if he can accept just friendship.

As for Gwyn, I have reached out to her multiple times over the years, and we have talked only briefly each time. She has hid a lot from me, which I do no hold against her. She, too, has things to deal with in her life that are out of my control, and that I should not involve myself in. I, too, have accepted this, and moved on. [Him] and Gwyn are now only a memory of mine, and I hold no hard feelings or hurtful emotions toward them. I accept them how they are, and wouldn’t mind keeping their friendships, but I know in my heart that that wont be so. And that is ok.

I have become my own best friend, and I no longer feel lonely. I have a great support system with my family, and that has helped me to keep going on my path in life. I have moved forward in life. I am not quite the girl I was 7 years ago, but there are parts of me that are the same. Those parts I hold dear. Those parts are the true me. And I am only beginning to understand that, and glimpse the real, true. ME.

Tiny quote from this journal entry:

“… Through my writings people will hear my words… The seed of knowledge will grow and bloom into something beautiful…” – ME

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