The emotion I’ve felt lately is anger. I have felt angry about life and how I am living it. I have a great life, don’t get me wrong, but I feel I am living for others and not for myself too. I know the actions I should take to improve my situation, but being proactive to do it is a struggle it seems. I don’t know anymore! I am burnt out, and it is my own doing, and it is affecting my life. I need more discipline in my life, self-discipline that is, and force myself to do what I know I need to do in my life, to better me, and in turn, to better others. I need to take action. Now. To get rid of these negative thoughts that cloud my mind I need a change in my self, with myself, and project outward what I want to make into reality instead of waiting and simply dreaming. Dreaming. Waiting. Now it is time for action, an action I’ll take that won’t be failure. I will try. Keep going, not give up. And WIN.
I am ready to actually finish something, begin and stick to it, rather than begin stop begin stop fall back, fail don’t start again. I am tired of giving in to resistance, I’m tired of stopping when it gets too hard, and I am tired of complaining, being depressed, and making myself stuck. I am angry, because I can change this.
I am angry, and anger brings power, now I just need to channel it into positive proactive action, rather than destructive thoughts that could lead to destructive actions. I have lagged behind on my yoga practice, but I refuse to let it go. I will get back into a routine of it, making it a daily devotion. I will begin prayer, even, and meditation, no matter how great or small, deep or light, I enter it. I will make time for it. I will. I will. I WILL. I am ready to listen to my body! My heart is telling me to DO IT, to face my doubts, my fears, and my self pity! And CRUSH THEM! Because it is all mental, and mentality can be changed! FIGHT my heart’s saying FIGHT and not to give in to the darkness creeping through, the harsh voice saying you should feel mean, be mean, and act on the impulsive violence brewing in your mind, to judge the creatures of the world harshly for they are being harsh, to see the bad instead of the good, and rise higher than everyone, to lose my humble nature. NO. I WONT.
I am angry because I have let my mind control me for so long. I am angry because I have slightly fallen of my spirit path because I got distracted by outward duties, and this distraction has led me to project my thoughts and feelings outward, in annoyance, anger and mean words, because I am irritated AT ME for not having the self-determination to get up early to meditate and do my asana practice, stay up later to pray, no matter how tired I am. To listen to my heart instead of my mind that says “do it later, do it later, when you are ready, when you are ready” there is no easy way out. I am angry because I was hoping, been hoping, for the easy ride. I am angry because I have been tricking myself, giving in to manipulations, and kicking myself because I can not change others. I can only change me.
I am angry, and with this anger I have power, powerful determination. Power to push through my fears, doubts, to the lightness within, to that raw intensity, and past the dark, past the solitude, past the nothingness, to inner joy, bliss… I am not a guru. I won’t be a Buddha. I will be someone who will help promote this world and change it for the better. I am simply, wholly, me. And I am angry. Angry and determined to change! To change for the greater good! To change for me! And one day, the world!
This anger is my fuel for self-determination and self-discipline.
Hello late moon, early sun rise, and late nights. Hello success and failure, hello Fear, my faithful companion. This anger is my guide to break through those old stubborn pride-filled patterns of thought and behavior. I am ready to truly, completely CHANGE, and I am willing to feel the pain, feel the loss, and I do not want it to affect wrongly my loved ones. It will not. It will be internal, and one day it will be outwardly. The light will shine outwardly, and touch others heart with tenderness and force. People will change. I will change. The world WILL CHANGE!
I am angry, and happy because of it. I am holding on to this anger as long as I need to fuel this self-determination tank that’s attached to the vehicle called self-discipline that will run my life from this moment forward, from this sentence forward, from this period forward. I will change. We will change. I will be one. WE WILL BE ONE.
We. Are. ONE.
[originally written: 06.26.2016 – Some changes have occurred since then, my YOGA practice has deepened, for that i am grateful, and I am moving toward career goals; my path is now clear and fluid instead of murky and hard to walk through.]
P.S: I am not angry about the elections, I prepared myself for any candidate, so I will not join in these protests or frilly thoughts of leaving the country. No matter what, I am staying with america. Even in the darkness, there’s light, and even in confusion there’s a path to clarity. There’s an opposition to everything. There’s still a chance for our country – the world – to do good, to change, for the greater good of all.
*Picture found on google images