Featured image found at Leslie Marsh.tumbler
A year later…
Day 1: 3.31.12
The apple began to appear as if it was melting. It would stretch, as if getting taller, then shrink into its self. At times it would appear as if floating or moving closer to me. As the meditation went on, half way through, it began to fade. I’d have to blink for it to appear again, but it would continue to fade. The room began to change a little, but not to a scene I can record. I felt a presence of two great beings beside me, but I saw nothing. I felt a light to the distance of me on my left, but I saw nothing. Only thing I saw was the apple melting, changing shape, and appearing to disappear.
On the walk I saw Louis (Evil twin) but not the nice twin. I realize now that they are one. He tried everything to scare me, but nothing worked. My guides were there for a time, but Louis and his fellow friends took them out. First guide that was pushed away was Ezekiel (I’ll call him that). It was as if many beings attacked him. On the last scene before he was forced to retreat it was as if bats attacked him. He was to the right of me. As soon as he was gone to the left of me appeared a woman, my other guide.
Louis didn’t know what to do with her at first, so he concentrated on getting arise out of me, or frightening me, triggering some sort of emotion. He’d hit me, kick me, and try to trip me and all that. I felt these slightly on my real person, but nothing severe. He began running into me, and I’d feel the pressure and slight pain on my chest. This made me uneasy for a while, so he kept doing that until I ignored it. As I turned around I was facing him. He was walking backwards so that I’ll see his face. He taunted me some, but his words didn’t scare me. He looked somewhat like me, because he is part of me.
Also, I’ll note here, that the wind began to blow as I began my walk and became stronger as the walk continued and started coming towards an end.
In the last few minutes things really started to happen. Louis brought in some friends to try to get a rise out of me. There was a great giant being with a bald head and club in his hand. He’d stand behind me, I started becoming uneasy at his size, and he then became larger. I felt not to panic or fear him, because that’d give him power. So I tried not to acknowledge him enough for it to frighten me. This worked for a time, he shrunk to a point. Then, as I was turning to a street that led me to my home, more beings, spirits of some sort, came. I felt them but didn’t see them; they were bothering the female guide with me. Soon she got over powered. My protective defenses are now gone. Then I saw Uriel.
Uriel was across the street from me. As I came closer and acknowledged his presence, he then was beside me. I began to feel uneasy. It was harder now to fight the panic and fear that was rising in me. Uriel (I’ll call him that) stood to the right of me. Louis (Evil twin) stood to the left of me. Louis was quiet now, calm in a satisfied way. Uriel spoke to me, ‘We finally meet again,’ he said something along those lines.
I nodded or responded, I don’t know exactly. I looked at him. His image was similar to how I pictured, but his face wasn’t as flawless as I once thought. The years were on it, you can tell he wasn’t originally good, if he is good at all. It is hard to really tell.
When he noticed my reaction he said something like, ‘Just wait until you write out my story. You’ll then know what nature can really do, and what frightened really means.’ I then got the feeling that I’d experience everything that he did, even if I would just be writing. I feel his story needs to be written, I’ll share it here on the blog once I get the words formed.
I then saw my home. Once my house was in view they retreated. I walked toward my home, and once I was in my yard my guides were by my side again. My guides were frantic, speaking all at once, wondering if I was ok. I felt it strange, since they never reacted that way before.
I then drank a cup of warm tea and my nerves were settled again.
Day 2: 4.1.12
The apple reacted similar to how it did yesterday. It began to appear as if it was melting. It would stretch, as if getting taller, then shrink into its self. At times it would appear as if floating or moving closer to me. This time, though, a face began to appear. At first it was not facing me, but as the meditation went on it appeared as if it were floating. At some point it slowly turned to face me. Half way through, it began to fade, like yesterday. I’d have to blink for it to appear again, but it would continue to fade. The room began to change a little, but the scene wasn’t clear. My carpet appeared as if grass may be appearing, and my walls began to disappear, but the scene remained fuzzy. I felt a presence of two great beings beside me, but I saw nothing. I felt a light to the distance of me on my left, it appeared as if something – maybe a scene – was forming but it was not clear. Only thing I saw was the apple that appeared to float at times. It was looking at me, but it felt wary of me. I don’t think I earned the apples trust yet.
Today I was at my dad’s house, so I didn’t walk the canal after the mediation. I saw Uriel almost as soon as I left the house. He showed me images that seemed to be a story, or maybe a recreation of something in the past, I am not sure yet.
As I was walking a woman began to appear. First I felt her behind me, and then she was in front of me walking. My surroundings began to change in my mind. It was the early 18th century, the clothes and style of the people were different. I was in a different city, somewhere in England I will guess, but the town was small; nothing grand like London.
The lady had long, dark brown wavy hair. She was average height for our times; she looked in distress as she was hurrying along. She stopped at an older woman’s door step; the lady was sitting on her front porch. She had dark grey hair, which must have been black when she was young, and a crooked nose. The old lady looked at her with disgust when she stooped before her.
The woman began to plead to the old lady. ‘Why are they doing this?‘ are the desperate words that seemed to have formed on her lips. The town was accusing her of witchcraft.
‘You know why, wench,’ was the type of words that seemed to have formed on the old woman’s lips. Her voice was cruel, the woman began to cry. I am not sure what else the old lady said to her, but her tears brought no pity to the bitter old woman. The old woman slapped her and told the crying woman to leave her door step.
Day 3: 4.2.12
I saw face of the apple today, and it began to fade again, just as it did during last part of yesterday’s meditation. It’s eyes began to glow as I looked into them. As I looked into them the room began to change, everything began to fade away. Soon ripples of white grey was around me that looked like the northern lights, minus the colors or fog. The apple’s eyes glowed as it faded in and out. This fog like substance surrounded me.
On my walk, in the beginning, it felt as if I was walking through fire though I didn’t get burned. The woman I saw in last vision got burnt for killing her sister. Uriel wanted something from her, even after death, but she still wouldn’t give in. So she walked through the fire, seeing visions of her past, particularly the nice twin with brown hair. She came to a tunnel. She began to walk through it, it was dark and it sounded as if a train was above it. The tunnel was long. It ended, she came into a stone room with a man who was dirty. There was a camp fire in the middle of the room and he was cooking what looked like beans. He offered her some she said no. she sat down on the floor in front of the fire. The man asked what brought her hear. She said fire. He asked if she gave him what he wanted (Uriel) she said no. he said that Uriel will get it one way or another.
Soon another tunnel appeared. The man looked at it, uneasiness was in his eyes. He was wary of this tunnel. He told the woman, “only way out is through.” She asked if he’d go through the tunnel, he responded he hasn’t in years and probably never will.
It was a small tunnel, one would have to crawl to get through, but the woman crouched down and crawled through the tunnel. The end was another stone room with three tunnels. There was a man to the left of one of the tunnels, the tunnel that was farthest to the left. He looked as if he was on edge, fear was in his eyes. The woman came up to him. She looked at him curiously. It appears that they were having a silent conversation. The man averted his eyes to the left of him, to the entrance of the tunnel, then back to the woman. He did this thrice times. The woman was confused at first; she didn’t understand why he was doing that. But then she heard chains and heavy footsteps pacing back and forth. The man’s face became of panic, and his eyes seemed to have said help me.
The woman is curious about what may be on the other side of this tunnel. She crouches down and enters the tunnel. It wasn’t a long tunnel. Each movement forward brought her closer to the noise; the sound of the chains dragging became louder as did the heavy pacing footsteps. She heard something growling, as if it were mumbling to itself. It wasn’t a growl of warning.
The tunnel ends. In the large stone room is a beast creature. It was massive, larger than an elephant. It had tusks like one, though, and large pointy front teeth. Its eyes were not clear, it only showed black. The creature was blackish grey. It saw the woman and stopped in its tracks. It began to growl. Drool was forming on its lips and began to drip down its furry chin. There was another tunnel in the room, it was straight a head. The large beast, though, could easily get the woman if the woman tried getting to the tunnel.
The woman panicked for a few moments. She wasn’t sure what to do. A voice in her head told her, ‘go forward. It can’t hurt you unless you let it. It is not real unless you make it so.’ These words brought her strength. She knew she could get past this beast if she doesn’t show fear. So she steps forward.
She moves slowly at first. The beast stays where it’s at while still growling. When she gets a little over half way across the room, only a few feet away from the tunnel, the beast begins to growl louder. The woman began to run just in time, she sensed he was about to attack her. She jumped to the left, trying to avoid the beasts claw that she knew would was about to hit her. But by doing this she jumps away from the entrance, trapping herself momentarily. The beasts left claw strikes her back between the shoulder blades. A stinging feeling began to be felt on my own back as I was walking, but I had a feeling to remain calm. The woman made it to the tunnel just before the beast was able to strike her again.
This tunnel was a bit wider, but she still had to crouch down to enter. She still had to crawl but it wasn’t a tight squeeze. This tunnel was long and winding. It was also pitch black and humid warm.
The woman thought it would never end as she crawled and crawled further along, she was getting frustrated. Her back was still in pain and she was tired. Finally a light began to appear. It was small at first then began to brighten. She came, yet again, to another stone room. The light wasn’t bright, it only felt so because she has been in the dark for some time. In this room she meets Uriel
Her heart falls to her stomach. A feeling of giving up begins to form inside her, but she pushes it away. I was feeling tired myself at this time.
Uriel knew the woman was tired. He laughed a malicious laugh and said it gets worse. He asks her again if she’s willing to give in now. Those words bring her strength and she says no. He nods, expecting that answer.
The room gets warmer and the smell of smoke appears. The room gets dimmer. A smoky fog is entering through the tunnel she came through. Uriel is laughing now; he senses the woman’s fatigue and frustration.
A tunnel to the left of the woman and Uriel begins to appear but by this time the vision fades. I have returned home now and am very tired. I didn’t want to continue with the vision any longer. I was still tired even after my tea, but was a bit more relaxed.
Day 4: 4.3.12
The apple appeared fading again, but it did not float. It appeared as if rotting, in a glowing frequency, but I didn’t see its face. The room changed again, appearing as if no walls, static appearance, and the ever present of someone else in the room was there. I perceive the two beings present as a guide.
The weather as I walked was a breeze, but nothing harsh. I again, as I approached the walk way on the canal I live near, I saw the Fire, but I did not fear it. I saw the tunnel again, and the feeling of dread hit me. I knew it would be a long walk through, if I have to go through all that I did the previous day.
The walk through the tunnel was similar, yet the ogre was still lying upon the floor. Thankfully I didn’t have to fight it.
I approached the familiar stone room, but the old man was no longer there. Only thing there was his old pot that contained beans once upon a time. The door that’s located in the room is no longer open but closed tight. I attempted to open it, but it would not budge. The door was sealed tightly off. I attempted once again, but still no way out. I collapsed on the floor in frustration and began to cry in anguish. The room then became cold, colder than it already was. I looked up from my collapsed position upon the floor and saw before me Uriel.
He laughed a malicious laugh and asked again the same question: Are you willing to follow? And again I responded ‘no’. He smiled, a smile as malicious as his laugh, you will remain in this room until you choose to follow, unless you can find a way out through that door. He then disappeared. I was left alone, in the cold stone room, with a sealed off door. I asked my guides, what do I do? And the response was: Follow your heart, your will is your guide. Those words gave me strength, and I was able to get up from the floor and walk to the sealed off door.
Once I was before the door I closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths slowly in and out, in and out. I kept my eyes closed for sometime until I felt a vibration in my core, in an area under my belly button is where the vibration began. I let it radiate throughout my body. I then held my arms forward, in attempt to rattle the door knob to get this door open. Again, the door would not budge. I did this repeatedly, each time with more force. The door finally budged when I felt an anger filled annoyance rise in me.
Once the door opened, the narrow tunnel was before me once again. I am now tired from the struggle of this sealed off door, but my will is now active so I know I can keep moving forward, for there is an end somewhere. The narrow tunnel, which I have to crawl to get through, seems longer than before, and the bottom of the tunnel is becoming wet, as if a leak is somewhere. I feel drops of water upon my head and realized the leak is coming from above me. It appears that this tunnel is under some sort of body of water.
Finally, after what seemed a long time, an exact time unclear, the end came. The end was dark, but I made out a shadowy door that appeared as if it were a ship door with a wheel like handle that I had to turn to open. It was a struggle to turn, it was very heavy, I had to use a lot of my strength. As the handle slowly turned, the seal of the door became loose and water began to leak through. I began to panic as water filled the bottom of the tunnel, rising higher and higher with each turn. I was sure I’d be hit with a wave of water, just like I use to imagine in my childhood, the wave would cover me, and I would drown. As this thought dawned on me the door came open. I braised myself for the impact, but none came. Instead of a large wave, a feeling of ocean breeze swept into the tunnel.
I walked out of the wet tunnel, my jeans lightly damp from the water, and before me was a pebbled shore. The sky was a dark purple, as if twilight has set in. There was a cool and refreshing breeze, the smell of the ocean before me in the air. I collapsed on the ground in an exhausted relief that I made it out of the tunnel. I closed my eyes to relax and think. I am not on a pebbled island, with no other land insight.
The air changed to a cold stillness. I sensed a presence of another being; I knew the cold stillness sensation I am feeling now to be the presence of Uriel. I opened my eyes, and a short distance to my left, near the edge of the water, was Uriel. He had that malicious smile still upon his face, and he again spoke in the same cold, hissing tone, as usual, ‘Will you follow?’ Again I responded a clear ‘no’, which as always gave me strength.
He laughed his usual laugh and began to send taunts at me in a repeated fashion. The rapid pace of his words started to blend together, making it hard for me to make out any clear phrase. Even though I could not make out words, the feeling from the tone of his voice began to be agonizing. I held my hands to my ears and said ‘stop it, stop it!’ but of course he did not.
Finally silence came, and dark set in fully. As it did so did a numbing coldness. I curled up into a ball, bringing my knees up to my chest, attempting to trap in some warmth.
This was the last of my vision for this day, the walk ended around this time. I was still exhausted after drinking tea, but I felt calm, but not a reassuring calm.
Day 5: 4.4.12
The apple appeared the same as yesterday, the room the same vision as yesterday as well. It seems as if the apple does not trust me, or that I am not concentrating enough. I have learned that apples, such as animals, have their own personality and each one is different. I think, maybe this apple isn’t as trusting as the last, or maybe my energy is different this time than the last time around, since I know how this apple meditation feels: it takes a lot out of you, mentally and spiritually. Maybe this is why, during the meditation of the apple, it seems the apple isn’t open to me.
On my walk I saw the vision of the sea shore pebbled beach, dark sky, and cold loneliness in the air. I began to cry again, in a collapsed position up on the beach, I was getting tired of this and wanting to give up. I decided to lie their, exhausted, with my eyes closed. No thought was passing my mind, I was just being in the moment and letting whatever is to happen next to happen. I began to feel warm all over and a peace began to enter me. I opened my eyes as I felt the change in the air, and as I did I saw the sky turn from dark, to deep violet, to red violet, and so on; the sky was becoming lighter, as if the sun was rising. The scene changed once the sky was an orange red. As the sky was changing, the atmosphere was becoming warmer and warmer. A bridge appeared before me, but the bridge was not clear. It was a fuzzy vision of a bridge upon the water, but I made out a wooden bridge leading into the sun. The vision changed as I stepped foot upon the bridge.
The next visions came in a fast pace. I could not make out much of what was going on, but it switched rapidly. First I saw a flash of fire, then water, then Uriel and his rapid speech of taunting words.
The visions ended on a sunny path. I was with one of my guides who was speaking softly to me. The words I can not remember now, but they were wise and reassuring, and as always gave me strength and hope to move forward and keep carrying on. This is where my walk ends. I am now home and drinking my relaxing cup of herbal tea.
Day 6: 4.5.12
Day 7: 4.6.12
I saw the face of the apple today, but only for a brief few moments. Again, the face seemed stern, but it was willing to speak to me today, or at least open to my questions. I felt it was going to show me something on my walk. The colors in the room changed from the grey static color to a lighter blue, mixed in within highlights of lavender.
As I began my walk I felt a light breeze. As I walked further along, turning the corner and onto a sidewalk that leads to the walk path on the canal, the wind picked up. I began to hear a rushing noise in my ear, as if there is a mass flood of water behind me. I turned my head to the side and saw two large waves of water of an extreme height, as if touching the sky.
I became frightened temporarily, for this was one of my fearful images as a child: an image of two gigantic waves that would collapse on top of me, sweeping my feet off the ground and drowning me as I become lifted. But of course that was only an image. I knew what I was seeing wasn’t real, and I am no longer a seven year old girl. As soon as that dawning came to me, that the waves weren’t real, the waves were ignored, even though I knew the roaring of the waves and wind was behind me still.
As I came up to the walk path upon the canal I saw fire was on both sides of the walk way again. A dread feeling came over me, but only temporarily. The wind and roar of the waves is heard, and this time the roar seems louder, as if the waves are closer and will soon collapse upon me. I braised myself for the imaginary impact, trying to keep my fear at bay at the same time. I stopped in my tracks even. I heard the slap of the waves hitting concrete, and a slight pressure over me. This feeling lasted only a few moments, I had my eyes closed the entire time. When I opened them again all was still, water and fire both gone, wind ceased to a soft pleasant breeze.
After the passing of the water and the slowing of the wind came an image of a grassy path and shady trees beside me. The breeze was still in the air, but soft and warm now, and the sent of grass is in the air. I like this image I am now seeing; it calms me and relaxes me some.
After walking for sometime I come to an end of the path, to a valley on the left of the walking path, where few trees reside. Lying upon the grassy floor was a lioness. She looked lazily at me, but made no move toward me. After seeing the lioness the image fades away. That is the end of my vision on my walk. I then return home for my tea.
Day 8: 4.7.12
Today I saw the familiar vision as I looked into the apple: the grayish blue with lavender highlights, the walls appearing as if invisible, and the feeling of two beings beside me. The apple appeared as if floating again, and I saw the face again. The face was a bit distorted, but clearer than yesterday. It spoke to me, but the words were muffled. A warm feeling came over me, as if I was receiving a message. My heart began to beat briefly, but soon I relaxed and it slowed.
The weather was calm on my walk today. As I approached the walkway on the canal I saw the grassy path once again, this time with no water or fire. As I was walking the grassy, tree lined path, I heard a growl. I knew the growl to belong to the lioness. A sudden sense of danger was forming in my chest, but a feeling to keep moving forward was felt. As I came to the end of this grassy tree lined path, the spot I was yesterday, beside the valley where the lioness lied, I saw the lioness once again. This time the lioness was not in a relaxing state, she was in a state of defense. As she saw me appear she let out a loud growl and ran toward me.
I was struck with fear and remained in place. I braised myself as I saw her jump at me. Her paws landed on my chest, scratching my chest. I felt the sting of her claws on my real person. After the claws were felt I heard a woman’s voice in my mind, a strong and clear voice. I knew the voice to belong to the lioness, she asked what I wanted. I was full of curiosity then, and I asked her what her name was. The name I received was: Saphia. She said other words that I can not recall, but I had a feeling she is an old soul. I know her as to be my spirit animal.
Her image and her words were the last I saw before returning home for my tea.
(image of lioness and cubs, not the exact image I saw in meditation)
Day 9: 4.8.12
Day 10: 4.9.12
Image of the apple was similar as previous day.
On my walk I saw again the grassy jungle path upon the walkway, but only for some moments, and I no longer saw Saphia. The grassy jungle path fades into an older image, the 1800s image I saw the second day of my meditation. I saw flashes of the nice and evil twins, as well as flashes of my great aunt Jezebel, the red-haired woman who got burnt due to an accusation of witchcraft in Italy. I saw again flashes of me pleading to the older woman, relating to the death of my sister. I then saw flashes of me being carried away from the city who things I was the one who killed my sister.
On my walk toward home I again saw flashes of the giants, but my guides were once again beside me, and this time they stayed. I ignored the evil twin’s images of horror he attempted to send my way. Uriel is seen again but he is farther away. I go inside my home as he attempts to approach, not being able to reach past my front yard. Once inside I feel ‘others’ outside my home, but I know I am safe if I do not pay attention to them. I feel calmer after I drink my tea.
Day 11: 4.10.12
Day 12: 4.11.12
The apple appears to be floating again, this time I see the face clearly. The face looks angry, but it’s willing to listen to me. I do not remember if I asked it anything, I do not think I did.
The walk was calmer today. I didn’t see a vision of water, fire, nor tunnel nor grassy path with lioness. Halfway through my walk the image of a ballerina and older man is seen, but only flashes, nothing clear. I come to the end of my walk and the last scene I see is peering into a window, on a snowy night, watching the ballerina dance as the man played music. The piano song was sad yet happy; it must have been an eerie love song. The ballerina danced with elegance.
Day 13: 4.12.12
Day 14: 4.13.12
Day 15: 4.14.12
The apple was floating again, fading in and out as in the beginning of my meditation. This time it was more active, sending me visions of the past days, particularly of the 1800s visions, Uriel, and the ballerina.
(floating apple pic, picture of 2 apples with faces)
On my walk I again saw flashes of Uriel, but he was calmer today and did not taunt me. He walked beside me even, talking calmly. What he said I do not recall, but I knew he was not a danger to me today. This was the time I began to realize, slowly, that maybe he is not evil after all.
Towards the end of the walk I saw flashes of the older man, middle aged, with long blonde hair tied in a pony tail at the nap of his neck, and light blue eyes. Last night I only saw the back of his head, as he was playing the piano for the ballerina, but today I saw his full profile. It is again a snowy seen. I again was peering into a wide window that appears to be a dance parlor. The piano man and ballerina were there once again, she dancing to the same eerie love song.
The feeling that I got was that this man loved this girl, but she was far too young for him. She looked no older than sixteen, and he is well into his forties. I could tell that this man had some sort of enchantment upon the girl; he knew he was taking advantage of her innocence. A strange feeling of ‘she will be mine’ came over me when I looked at the man one last time. It appears that this man loves this girl, and this man could trick this girl into loving him too. He has her trapped in a sense, with his trance like love song.
The walk ended here. My last image I saw was him gazing at the window. He made eye contact with me. He smiled a knowing smile with a mischievous glean in his eye.
The meditation ended here.
A lot has happened since that meditation, and a lot more is to come. I will speak more in depth in another post on what has happened since that meditation, but at the moment I will leave the post as it is. I will not do the apple meditation again, for I feel I no longer need to, but I still suggest it to whoever decides to do it. Just remember to be diligent about it if you do decided to do the meditation, and take note of what you see, and also to accept what you see as you see it rather than distorting the images. You never know what the end result will be, so be patient with it. All will come together in due time.