As Deep As the Ocean – Pieces of ME

“Knowledge of processes in the background early shaped my relationship to the world. Basically, that relationship was the same in my childhood as it is to this day. As a child I felt myself to be alone, and I am still, because I know things and must hint at things which others apparently known nothing of, and for the most part don’t want to know. Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible. The loneliness began with the experiences of my early dreams and reached its climax at the time I was working on the unconscious. If a man knows more than others, he becomes lonely. But loneliness is not necessarily inimical to companionship, for no one is more sensitive to companionship than the lonely man, and companionship thrives only when each individual remembers his individuality and does not identify himself with others.” C.G. Jung – Dreams, Memories, Reflections 

Below, written, mid 2017: 

To heal myself and others through finding groundness and peace through my anxieties and doubt. That is part of my purpose. Some of my motivation is inspired by others I have seen on social media, and how they became successful through tremendous hardships, but I will not call them my mentors. My mentors, my motivators, are those who have been in my life from the beginning of my struggles to the present, and who will be there in the end. This is my family, in particular my parents, and my sister, though my other siblings are there for me as well, I am closest to my sister. What motivated me in relation to Yoga, is an inner yearning to find peace, physical and mental strength, and flexibility. The true essence of yoga philosophy, our Self or GOD, I found that on my own self-discovery, and that foundation has led me to the physical practice of yoga. So, my family, myself, and the Source (GOD), and an inner yearning to be at peace with myself and strong (mentally/physically), are my motivators.  

I am a naturally compassionate person – that comes with its own price – and I admit, I have not always been happy, and still struggle with depression, but I know my life’s purpose. I have been told I am a ‘healer’, and maybe in some ways I am in relation to my Social Work career, that’s just beginning. Posts that promote compassion for others, are nice, but it is something I have naturally done. Maybe being compassionate has helped me through my depressive states and to find my purpose in life. 

I’ve felt this spiritual “fight” for years now, and only realizing now what it all means, especially in my dreams. My nightmares do not seem so scary anymore, once I realized that it is part of finding ME, part of the warrior’s path that is both silent grace and fierce fight between will and Self, nightmares became ordinary dreams. 

My dream, or part of my dream, my ‘life plan’ is to become a competent social worker, my interest is with youth and families, and I am at the beginning of my career path (lots of fear and doubt to work through still), but one day I hope to move toward community outreach as well. So, in a sense, my path to heal myself and others, is part of being a Social Worker, so maybe I am already living my dream, or it is pretty close to being complete… 

Present Day… 

I still feel as if I am at the beginning of my career. I am beginning to feel confident and competent in my career, but more inner work to go through. I still have depressive episodes and anxieties, but I understand where they come from now. I feel, my depressive years of searching for my place in the world has ended, and the anxieties I currently feel have to do with entering the Unknown, leaving my comfort zone, which I have been avoiding; but I know to begin meditation once more, to face those aspects of myself I’ve been avoiding, and to face the lies/betrayals I have placed on myself due to wanting to remain in my comfort zone. My spirit guides are soft but stern, and when I tune in, even just for a moment, realizations of my actions and my life purpose are always there. I cannot escape or avoid myself. I am here to heal and teach, and thus I must practice what I preach.

However, here are some of my accomplishments I’ve made since the above was written. Since 2017 I: Obtained my first full time job as a Hospice Social worker in 8/2018, went back to school to finish my MSW, and then began working as a Child & Family therapist since 5/15/2019. I obtained a 200HR Yoga Teacher certificate on 06/30/2019, I completed and obtained my Master of Social Work degree on 8/10/2020, I obtained a Kids Yoga Teaching certificate through Rainbow Kids Yoga on 09/27/2020, and now I am working towards becoming a Yoga Therapist, program began on 09/29/2020, and I will be testing for my LMSW (Licensed Master Social Worker) on January 22nd 2021. My dreams are becoming a reality. Also, I am writing again! I am focusing on me and my creativity once more, distractions are becoming limited. Through a chaotic year, I have found grace within, and an inner strength that which will not be manipulated by others less conscious than I. 

More to come. Peace & Love ❤ 

Featured image found on , Artist: Catrin Welz-stein

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